Spoiler alert! It was this morning. There really is no better way to be shown how devastatingly out of shape you are than to take a 6:00am Ride Cycle Club spin class on a Monday morning. Since Mondays are like tiny little New Year’s Days, where you’re slightly hung over but ready to throw yourself into your “get fit” resolutions, I decided that this morning was the day I was going to peel myself off the couch and get my ass in shape – literally.
Tip #1 – maybe don’t drink those 2 – 3 glasses of wine the night before, because even if you normally are okay to roll out of bed the next morning for work, that wine will make you feel like you’re gonna hurl during standing bike push-ups like you threw back a bottle of gin last night.
The class started well enough. I mean, I got up at 5:30am, and arrived 5 mins before class started downtown, so I was feeling pretty pleased with myself. I waltzed in to about 15 super fit, perfectly manicured, luminescent-skinned men and women waiting for the class doors to open – everyone was wearing black with a splash of white crop tops. This brings me to…
Tip #2 (don’t worry, I’ll recap at the end) – maybe make an exception to your “no-black” rule, and get some black workout pants, because you are definitely going to sweat – BIG TIME – and your soft grey leggings are really going to emphasize that I-peed-myself look.
A lovely lady from the front desk helped me snap into my bike pedals and adjusted my seat for me, and we were off – music pumping LOUDLY* straight away and everyone, especially the instructor and definitely not me, were buzzing with horrific energy. Who are these people?? I bore down and decided to do my best. If I could get abs like the girl next to me from doing this, I had to give it a try.
About 15 minutes into the class, there was a lot of “FUCK THAT” being emoted from my mind and body. The lean and muscly spinners around me spent about 95% of the time out of their seats, while I spent about 95% of the time IN my seat trying to deep breathe and not retch all over my dainty white towel. Was this why no one else seemed to have the incredible numbing pain in my lady region? Is the secret to a pain-free crotch not sitting on it? I contemplated shoving my tiny towel onto my seat as a cushion but I was already humiliatingly huffing, and sitting. I pushed on.
As my body shrieked at me to stop this torture, and my ears began to weep from the volume of the music, we took up tiny weights to do some arm work while our legs turned to jelly. I dropped mine immediately, so I pretended to still have them and mimed the movements with invisible weights in my hands. I still had to take breaks. Weightless. Yeah.
The class ended with a bang, and a nice cooling stretch. And I slid my way out of the studio before anyone could see my sweaty bottom. I took a quick peek though to see if anyone had those special bike shorts with the crotch padding. Nope. It has to be the standing that’s the secret. Curses!
My recap is this.
Spin Cycle is a damn good workout, and I hated almost every five minutes of it. Which means I’ll definitely be going back at least once a week. This is because no matter how many times I tell myself I will freely run my way back to top condition without paying for expensive classes, the fact is that I get bored easily and paying for something lights a fire under my ass. Also, I am competitive, and the fact that I sucked so bad means that I need to return until I can reign triumphant.
#1 – Don’t drink the night before. Or eat a heavy dinner AND an entire bag of chips before you go to bed at midnight.
#2 – Wear black on the bottom. Because sweat.
#3* – Wear earplugs! My ears are still sniffling as I write this, and I worried they were bleeding through class. SO LOUD.
#4 – If you go at the crack of dawn, parking is free and you get home just in time to get the kids ready for school and fall asleep at your office computer.
#5 – Don’t give up. Keep going. You’re awesome.
Next Story: Buying a real live bike in Vancouver.